The Light Rushes Out And Floods In.

Do you ever feel like you're going completely insane? If you answer yes, welcome to my life.
If you don't know me then let me give you some back story (even if you do it should be a fun read if nothing else.)
I've battled depression for as long as I can remember, in the early stages I didn't even recognize it as depression but looking back, it was. Throughout high school I had a hard time fitting in. My friends and I weren't nearly as close as we are now, not to mention I was the fat weird nerdy artsy freak. Freshman year I was mostly just trying to fit in or conform. Sophomore year I met the 'emo' kids, I hate to use the label but it's convenient, and started conforming to them. By Junior year I realized that I was trading one group for another so I stopped caring. For a good few months I dropped everything. I stopped giving a fuck, so to speak. I ate with my sister and her friends, didn't say much because I didn't fit in with them, went home, went to work. I had no life outside of going to school, work or home. I realized this eventually and reconnected with my 'friends.' It really wasn't the same. Throughout this time were family issues, relationship issues, body image and eating disorders, bouts of immense mood swings and self-mutilation. I can't even describe to you how terrible my first three years of high school were. I can barely remember them myself.
Anyhow, by the middle of Senior year things started to fall into place. The beginning of senior year was by far the worst period in my life. I had boy troubles and took them extremely hard, but eventually I got over him and moved on to improving myself and becoming the person I wanted to be. I lost a third of what I used to weigh, began interacting more and more with the opposite sex and trying (with many obstacles and failures) to strengthen my friendships. The summer after senior year, as well as the stress of college and a new environment and the failure of my first semi-legitimate relationship brought more struggles with depression, mood-swings and eating disorders, up to about two months ago.
If you didn't know I met the most wonderful human being I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. My boyfriend.
Even saying/writing it now sends me chills and the omnipresent thought of how the fuck I pulled that off.
He's by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am hard pressed to find any faults he may have, let alone find anything unpreventable we could potentially argue over. Both of us are so easy-going that we really don't cause any problems, not to mention we're both open and comfortable enough that if there was an issue we'd talk about it.
Here's my point- This unimaginable fantastic happiness he brings me makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to be okay with being happy. I need something to be upset over, something to throw me off balance. I'm trying my hardest to soak in the happiness while I can but I've been trained for nineteen years to be upset, constantly. Bliss is uncomfortable and I don't know what to do with myself. It's frustrating and upsetting. Who would've thought that the only thing I could find to be upset about is having no reason to be upset?
Thus, I believe I'm going batshit insane.
Even more than usual.
Anyhow, I don't fucking know why I'm writing this but I had to get it out.
Put these thoughts to rest.
I'm still struggling with the eating-disorder but to a MUCH lesser extent than ever before. It's more just the habits that have stuck rather than an actual need to lose weight or to punish myself.
I don't fucking know.
God I hope Mark doesn't read this.
I suppose it would be fine if he did, I'd just rather not show ALL of my crazy at once.
Fuck it.