Paranoia
noun
A mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance.

To put it bluntly, I'm ruining my own life.
No matter what I always think people are out to get me, even my BEST friends. It's ridiculous.
I think they hate me, they're deliberately leaving me out, they don't want me around.
Frankly, it's getting ridiculous.
Today for example, I bought a pack of cigarettes at Wawa, the guy took my permit and typed something from it in the computer/register thing. It freaked me out, this being only the second time I've bought cigarettes with my permit it was the first time they did that.
Seriously Jamie?
Chill.
I'm putting myself in my own personal hell.

Another example, I always think people are judging me. Usually it's about my weight and given, that's a huge insecurity for me, but I'm sure not EVERYONE is looking at how fucking fat I am. It's fucking ridiculous. Then I start to worry about whether other people worry about things the same way I do and I start freaking out about that.
Gahhh. I'm so fucking ridiculous. I constantly worry about everything. I get so nervous I make myself physically ill an give myself disgusting cold sores, then I freak out over that. I'm fucking ridiculous. I need to stop worrying about what other people think and just get on with my life. GAHHHHHH.

Just hold your breath to make sure you wont wake up again.

I can't keep doing this to myself.
Seeing your face, or your new fucking "girlfriends'", ruins me.
I'm dying on the inside and the worst part is you made me swear off the only thing I can do to get by.
Walking through the living room I think of you, outside my house I remember sitting in your car all those nights, driving to ____'s house I think of that song you always sang and how I'd laugh like crazy, in ____'s house I think of the time we spent together and how much fun we had.
You can never tell me you'd take that back.
Then I couldn't stop smiling now I can't fucking stop crying.

Put a gun to my head and paint the walls of my brain.
Even Fight Club reminds me of you.

You forced yourself in to every part of my life and then ripped it all away like it meant nothing.
We both know it meant something, however minuscule.
I just can't keep doing this to myself.

You've ruined me.
Are you happy?

Please do me a favor and either come back fully or leave completely. I can't keep having you thrust in to my life and ripped away, it's breaking me down and I don't think I can make it through another day without breaking my promise.

Why would you care anyway?
You don't give a shit about me anymore.

I'm so tired of this.
I hate hating myself.
I hate not being able to hate you.
Please kill me.