My life is truly once again a shit show...

...And, no hard feelings, but none of you answered your phones when I really needed you tonight.
Understandable though, it was quite early in the morning so I really don't mind. I ended up talking to my Mum which was amazing. She made me feel a lot better and she's more experienced than any of you would imagine.
Basically this is going to be on the events in my life as of late.

A. Sir from Saturday night: Thank you for not jumping my bones even though we slept in the same bed and we were both trashed. It means more to me than you could ever imagine actually. For once I see that I don't HAVE to sleep with a guy the first night I meet them, even though I may want sex or think that we may work out, sometimes it's just better to wait. For once I see that there's guys who don't JUST want me for a one night stand. I'm not saying that I have feelings for you or that I want anything more than the casual beginnings of a friendship we have now, I just want to let you know that you gave me back a small part of the self respect I haven't had in a long time. And that you're a very good man and whoever gets you should understand and be grateful for what they have.

B. 217: My best friend here is fucking fantastic. I have the biggest girl crush on her. She's unlike anyone I've ever met and it's kind of refreshing. She brings a new perspective to my issues and is unbiased because she didn't watch all of it unfold. She's fantastic and I'm sure you would all love her. Of course, you guys are still my bests. <3 I'm really thankful for her and her nocturnal tendencies, though. We life talk more than we actually hang out and it's fucking fantastic. You give really good advice and we're a lot alike, which is really weird. I also just love your whole personality. Jussayin.

C. Luke is a fucking bastard:
I don't know if you've all heard but he decided to bitch at Con for having Claire and I over on Thursday night, which was also his(Luke's) birthday. I called Luke out about it and he lied to my face/phone, whatever. Anyhow, it ended with him telling me to leave him alone and that he didn't care about me or my sister, where we were, or what we did, basically it ended on a VERY bad note.
So, he texted me this morning about how Math Patterns sucks. I agreed and left it at that. (I choose my battle's carefully with this kid, if I didn't I'd be fighting with him more than I am now, which would be difficult.) Later I was chilling at the residence and he asked what I was up to and we decided we would hang out when I left, mistake number one (I know.)
We went to his dorm and watched some TV, of course there was subtle flirting but nothing intense, especially on my part. Eventually he decides to make his move and try to kiss me, I pulled away and explained that I didn't want to feel like a booty call. He apologized for disrespecting me and said that it wasn't a booty call. BULL FUCKING SHIT, what dude asks a chick to come over at 12:30 at night to just chill, I should have known better.
So get this, five minutes later he tells me I should leave, that he has class in the morning. -.-
Wow, this isn't a booty call but as soon as a deny you, you show me the door. That was even more disrespectful than the (failed)instigation of the act itself. You have a way of making me feel so guilty, you just kept apologizing and looking really upset. I'm FUCKING SICK AND TIRED of your constant mixed signals. No matter what I do or don't do I end up crying, which is why I called every one of my friends, my mom being the only one that answered. You didn't even fucking apologize for the way you treated me last week, not to mention we both know you're talking to that other girl, whether you know I'm aware or not. We really need to talk. Soon. This is fucking my shit up. Thanks for the beer bytheway. Bastard.

D. I slept through math today. This sleep deprivation is getting pretty fucking bad. I managed to go to my 8AM though. :D

E. Apparently my loans didn't go through due to a flaw in the system. It's being fixed, but for now my account is on hold meaning I have no diamond dollars or meal plan till the end of the week. Greeeeaaaaattttttt.

Three shots of rum, a beer and an Adderall does Jamie real good.

-Sigh-

I almost wish that I could go back to random hookup Jamie who didn't give a fuck and just took what she wanted, no strings or feelings attached, at least that would bring a LITTLE happiness to my life. Now everything's shit, I'm sexually and emotionally frustrated and I can't even eat my feelings.
Life sucks. Welcome to college.

Wow.

So yesterday was blatantly awful. Everything hit me like getting blindsided by a bus. I really thought today would be better but sometimes it's the days that you think are fine that shit really sneaks up on you.
I thought I was over you, apparently I'm not.
I thought you'd give us time, eventually another chance, apparently I was wrong.
I thought you talking to other chicks wouldn't bother me this much, apparently it bother's me a whole fucking lot.
Thank you for saying and doing all the right things and thank you for dicking me over like I expected, we both know I saw it coming.
I said I've been hurt worse and that's true in some aspect but I never thought that you would hurt me and that's what makes this so unbearable.
You should be an actor because you fooled me entirely too well.
I fucking hate that my blog has turned in to a self-pity party because of you.
It's fucking pathetic.
You wont talk to me even though that's what I need more than anything.
We both thought I was done with you.
Apparently we were wrong.

Riddle me this Batman, why the fuck am I never good enough for anyone?

I promise you my next blog will be insightful and well written, tonight I'm just too fucking tired.

Oh, wow.

I haven't written on here for so long.
I thought it seemed like I was carrying a lot.
This isn't really an ENTIRE life update, it's just what's been bothering me today.

WHATTHEFUCKDUDE?!
First, you dump me. And I managed to act like it really didn't phase me until I was alone, I'm not even sure how I managed that. You meant a whole fucking lot to me, whether either of us realized it or not. I only realized how much after it was too late, what's a few more scars though, right? Next, you kiss me and say you miss me when you're drunk. Then act like NOTHING ever happened when you're sober. You don't play games, right? After that I hear that you don't like seeing me at Conor's all the time, that he should warn you before he invites me to parties. And, as we all saw, you only care about me when you think I'm fucking other guys.
I went against ALL of my better judgment and decided to have sex with you. And now that I'm moving into a dorm you're trying to get on my good side because you think that you can get it in whenever you want. You, sir, are sadly mistaken. I really don't want to get back with you anytime soon.
We. Are. Just. Friends.
That's what you wanted, right?
Other people deserve a first chance before you get a second.
I'm finally seeing why we didn't work out.
I need someone who likes me just as much as I like them and doesn't lose interest as soon as things get a little difficult. I didn't expect you to leave me, then again I didn't expect much of you from the start, and I've certainly learned to expect very little from you now.

Just so we're clear, I officially have the upper hand in this relationship, for once.
You are my booty call, NOT the other way around.
Mark me, boy.

Chances Are You Never Even Cared At All.

I so fucking wish I could hate you.
You have no fucking idea, and for once I can say that and know that I'm completely right.
You make me think the craziest fucking thoughts, I feel like I'm losing myself because of you. I miss the girl that could do whatever the fuck she wanted. I miss the girl who didn't feel a goddamn thing. The girl who could flirt shamelessly at parties and not care who the fuck was watching. Now I'm constantly thinking What the fuck did I do wrong? Maybe if I looked like that chick he'd want me back. Maybe if I just stop eating for a few fucking months I could be like her, the one he has his arm around, the one he's charming. Maybe if I throw myself at oncoming traffic I'll get hit by a car and he'll realize how much I mean to him when I'm almost taken away permanently. What the fuck dude? When did I become so spineless? When the fuck did you get this much power over me? Oh yeah, it was all those fucking days of talking non-stop, all those fucking text messages that said I could trust you not to break me. Bull fucking shit.
I'm shattered.
Thanks.
You say we don't know each other but you're just like all the other fucking douche bags I've met.
I find it incredibly ironic that everyone's telling me I can do better but I wasn't even good enough for you. I wasn't good enough for Jon, or Greg, or Mark, or Sal, god knows I wasn't near good enough for Sal. I wasn't good enough for anyone in high school. It seems I'm only good enough for one night. Only good enough when you're wasted.
I fucking hate that you can make me feel like this.
I hope you're alone right now, even though I doubt you are.
I hope one day you realize how fucking lucky you were.
And I hope on that day I'm long gone.

But for now I'm stuck here waiting.
Stuck here fucking willing you to come back to me, with every cell in my body.
I really hope I find someone else. I really hope he's fucking amazing.
I really hope you're incredibly jealous of him.

So basically,

I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the next few months. I already can't stop crying. This sucks. Kill me?
I'm weaker than I let on.

It'd Break My Heart If We Fell Apart, It'd Be So Hard To Let You Go.

"You make it seem so easy to love me for who I really am."

I can't imagine being any more happy than I am now, honestly.
It's so comforting to know that I can actually be happy for once, and to finally realize that I deserve to be happy.
It's crazy how a glance from you can make me smile and EVERYONE knows it.
I have so much that I want to say but I can't put in to words right now because I'm kinda tipsy and extremely tired but I felt like that bit just needed to be said. The majority of my future blogs are going to be about you, I can tell.
This will not end well for me, but right now I honestly don't give a fuck how it ends.

Hello There Blog.

So.
1. I'm worried I'm becoming an alcoholic. It might be the meds I'm on but I drank seven cups of beer and feel absolutely sober, tired, but sober. It's kinda freaking me out.

2. I have a boyfriend for the first time in my life.
I'm freaking the fuck out.
All I've ever been taught through past experiences with guys is that I'm not good enough, that they can find something better. And when he does it will break me. I promise. I hope to God it doesn't but knowing me I will be completely and utterly heartbroken for months. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I know I'll act like I'm okay but I really wont be. Not for a long time anyway. I never let myself fall this hard for anyone, and that fact that I have is truly scaring the wits out of me.
I trust you too much for my own good.
But I think I'm okay with that.

3. (Edit.)
"I do miss you."
Are you fucking kidding me? You had your fucking chance. You waited entirely too long. You strung me along for weeks thinking we'd amount to something then dropped off the face of the planet and I'm supposed to just wait for you?
I. Don't. Chase. Boys.
You can suck my dick. I'm sorry and I said we could still be friends but seriously? I can't deal with all your fucking bullshit for nothing in return. You convinced me that we were better off just leaving things the way they were, not getting too serious too quickly, AND I FUCKING BELIEVED YOU. I told myself that you would be different with me, I told myself that you were different.
I find it hard to believe that I ever trusted you.
I find it hard to believe that I was ever that naive.
I find it hard to believe that I've let myself go on for so long thinking, no, knowing that anyone I get interested in will eventually find someone better.
I'm worth way more than that.
I'm finally starting to find out that I actually deserve a nice, stable man in my life.
I'm a fucking catch and you realized it too late.
Sucks for you.
Start a fucking support group.
There are at least a handful of guys that would join.
All of them realized it too late.
Envy Luke with all of your being because he is actually worth my time and for once I trust someone enough to not care about the tragic inevitable end to it all. For once I actually feel like I'm worth something more than just a hook up, a one night stand.
Worth more than just sex.

Thank you all for teaching me that I actually deserve a truly good man.

4. I really can't wait for this weekend. I love being in a new place, where I know no one. I like pretending I'm someone else. Someone interesting. Someone important.

5. I suppose that's it for now. Mini-update in the life of Jamie. We need Melinda to get one of these, I think she'd like it and have things to say. :] I want her to find her voice, her view of the world and I want to have a glimpse in to that beautiful little head of hers.

Almost 3am and you're all I can think about.

Hell, no matter what time you're all I can think about.
I like you entirely too much for my own good.
I want you so badly it hurts.
You say all the right things most of the time and that freaks me out. I keep thinking back to "All men know the right things to say to get in a girl's pants." but my heart keeps telling my head to shut up and that this is way too much work just to get in my pants. You call me pretty, beautiful, attractive, sexy, cute, I just don't see what you see in me most of the time.
I have been trained through past experiences to think that I'm never good enough. That my respective boo will always find someone or something better.

You feel different though.

You're the first one that I feel like I can actually trust. You've implied a thousand times over that you want all of me no matter what, but when I look in the mirror all I see is 'not good enough,' 'fat,' 'ugly,' 'broken.'
I want you to be the one to try and fix me.
I want you to be the one there when everyone else has fallen to the wayside.
I want you.

You're honestly the first guy I could ever picture myself with. I can see us walking around Temple together and me introducing you to my family and us just being together in general.
You're honestly the first guy I am actually 100% sure about.

Speaking of, I just turned down another dude.
Some Ntown trash that was 'tryna talk' to me at the party last night.
I told him I had a boyfriend.
Apparently I have more swag than I realize.
That's probably a good thing.

I'm extremely afraid of getting hurt but for some reason I feel like you making me this utterly and completely happy is worth the risk of getting dicked over later.
And you do make me extremely happy.

I hope you know exactly what you're getting yourself in to.

I also hope you know what this will do to me if it ends badly.

A Coma Might Feel Better Than This.

Please, someone kill me.
I am 'broken.'
I am 'self-destructive.'
I 'sell myself too short.'
Tell me something I don't know please.

I Ended Up Liking You A LOT More Than I Originally Planned.

This sucks. I know you'll hurt me and my life will fall to ruins again and I don't think I can put myself through that again, but I refuse to distance myself from you even though my heart is begging me to do so.
I don't know where this will go, or if it will go anywhere for that matter.
I want you so badly I can taste it.
I'll see you tomorrow and pretend it's nothing, that everything single cell in my body is not pulling me towards you.
It's freaking me out.
I fall so hard every time and I only realize it when it's far too late.
You'd better try tomorrow. You said you would try.
Please try.
I will not let myself scare yet another man away.

This will not end badly. This will not end badly. This will not end badly.

I certainly won't let it end badly, or end at all for that matter, not if I can help it.

Now that you all know anyway....

I think I might like a chick for the first time in my life.
And it's freaking me out.
I'm so nervous to see her tonight, you don't even know.
She's terribly cute and she calls me beautiful and I think I've just been so tired of guys being dicks.
I'm honestly unsure of how I feel but I figured I'd give her a chance.
I've always been open minded and when I heard she liked me it came as kind of a shock but when I thought about it more I kinda felt like I liked her too, now I just don't know.
I'm really hoping that seeing her tonight clears things up a bit.
It's just weird. I mean, we're like the same exact person, minus her being straight-edge.
We like the same things, dislike the same things, and other than sexual preference I really think it could work, or at the very least we could be really great friends.
Gahhhh I just don't know.
I love you guys for reacting the way you did, you all took it amazingly well.
<3

ufgehajdsKL

I never realized it before but it physically hurts me to know my friends are in pain.
It's incredibly hard for me not to want to just be where they are and help them through whatever they're upset about.

In other news, we got our Future Goal Letters today.
God, I wish I had taken it more seriously.
It's funny to see how socially inept I was and still am.
I've never been good at making friends or socializing, but seeing all these people with a shit ton of letters from friends was kind of heartbreaking when I only had about five, one of which I hate to the deepest depths of my soul.
I also wish my mom had thought more of me. I was going to wait to read her letter because I thought it would be touching and I didn't want to start crying in the cafeteria, but I read it anyway and just by her words I know she never expected much of me.
Claire's letter from her was sweet, mine was disappointing.

Also, I really need something constant in my life for once.
And I want you to be that constant even though things in my life never turn out that well.
Man up. Just do it already, we both know, or at least I hope, it's inevitable.
Please, I'm begging you, be the one thing I won't live without.
I'll never ask you for anything more.
I am well aware that I'm not perfect but I could try to be for you.
Please, just don't leave me alone, I don't think I can handle another disappointment.

One more thing.
I'm amazed at how suddenly busy these next two weeks are going to be.
Tomorrow, Academic Awards Banquet, I know, who would've guessed?
Friday, hanging out with Kat<3, going to a show in Philly.
Saturday, unfortunately I have a funeral to go to, then more Kat.
Sunday, MORE KAT<3333333
Next Tuesday, GAGAGLEEEEEE!!!!!
Wednesday, Tech graduation, I think I might cry.
Thursday, Im a bit ashamed to admit were going to Sex And The City 2 all dressed up then dinner with my ladies.
Bleeding christ.
I hate being bored and having nothing to do but I also hate having SO MUCH to do.

I can never be satisfied.

Glorious weekend much?

I don't think this weekend could get much better really.
First of all, it's been so long since I've spent time with Kat, just us.
Secondly, I got to see someone and he was realllllly sweet.
Thirdly, Philly parties are officially awesome although it was beat at first.
Fourth, and finally, FUCKING BRAVURA SHOW TONIGHT! SO EXCITED!!!!
Gahhhh.
I'm so exhausted but I'm just way too excited to sleep.
It's beautiful outside so I'm on my MacBook on my porch, and let me tell you it's awesome.
I love my friends so much, just random but I do.
I also really love Philly and I'm so excited to be going to Temple next year. It's such a good city and the people there are kinda creepy but really nice. Hahahahaha.
I can't wait to spend loads of time with Kat and her friends.
:D
This weekend has been one of the best I've had all year, certainly top five, and I can't wait for it to be topped by weekends in the future, because it surely will be.
Seriously, I'm in a ridiculously good mood today, I don't want to go to school tomorrow. :[
It's almost over though, SO EXCITED for graduation.
Alright, getting picked up to go to the show around 2:30.
Hopefully today will only get better.
I'm pumped.
I hope whoever reads this has half as great a day as I've had.
<3

It's cold and rainy, I'm tired and I feel like writing.

Disclaimer: I'm also shivering uncontrollably and smoking, in case the grammar and spelling isn't as great as usual. Hahaha.

This is pretty much just going to be me purging all things that I'm thinking/worrying about. Bear with me.

1. I fucking love my friends. No matter what they always make everything better. Even if I'm having the worst day ever or being put through shit I'd never thought I'd get through there always there, no matter what time or whatever they'll ding I know they"ll be there for me and it means more to me than I'd ever tell them. (I'm going inside now, I'm freezing and finished smoking. :D)
And whether they realize it or not they're really the best thing that's ever happened to me and I love them and will forever.

2. "There's a rumor and I know you know it's true, that you've got my heart locked in your room."
You introduced me to this [amazing]band and the lyrics couldn't explain what I'm feeling better if I'd written them myself.
I'm really trying not to get too clingy or involved emotionally in this because I know I'll end up pushing you away or you'll break my heart, but it's really hard for me not to try.
You're kind of really awesome and I love hanging out with you and I love the group you hang out with and it's really hard for me to deny my feelings but I think I'm getting better at it.
The last guy that I liked ruined me and anyone could tell you I was incredibly too into him for anything good to come of it, and trust me plenty of bad came from my attachment. I'm really just trying not to let the same thing happen again.
You seem like an awfully sweet guy and I'm sure you'd never hurt me on purpose but I'm more fragile than I let on and it doesn't take much to hurt me so please be careful, for my sake.
(It's taking all my will power not to text you right now actually.)
I can't help but feel like a little girl around you, immature and silly. I feel incredibly insecure too which is nothing new but like 897587532 times worse when I'm around you. It's really unsettling and usually I feel fairly comfortable, or I'm good at faking it, but not around you. I find myself saying the stupidest shit then slapping myself for it later. It sucks.
I like you.

3. Even though I'm basically done with High School I know I'm going to miss it. Sure waking up sucks, and this next month is going to be terrible, I just love the structure it gives to my life. Having somewhere to be and a set schedule really keeps me sane. I'm incredibly nervous for college and even before that graduation. So nervous just talking about it is starting to make my stomach upset.
I really don't like change that I don't have a say in, it makes me feel sick and I honestly can't handle it.
I'm sure college will be amazing but I can't tell whether I'm looking forward to it or not.

4. I'm honestly scared that once we're all in college I'll rarely see my friends. I'm extremely bad at making friends and NONE of my friends are going to the same college as me next year, just thinking of not seeing my friends almost every day is really upsetting.

5. The more I listen to music and look at my tumblr feed and watch cute movies the more I wish I'll find someone to treat me right and actually like me as more than a hook up buddy. I mean seriously, the inebriated/incredibly high/pity hook up thing is getting old. I wish guys would be more straight forward and tell me what I'm in for before I invest every cell in my body into a relationship just to be destroyed when they find that girl who they like enough to date. Why can't I ever be that girl?

6. I feel like I constantly sell myself short, and because of that I lose out on a lot of opportunities.
It's extremely upsetting to realize I sabotaged myself before I even gave anything a chance. My shyness/nervousness/obsessions constantly get in the way and I can't stop it no matter how hard I try.

7. I really hate my family, except my sister. Just leave it at that.
I wish they didn't care.

I don't know why but finishing my Senior Graduation Project only added to the stress that I feel. Graduating tech might kill me, I love it there and it's really become my home. I'll have to constantly visit next year. I don't know what I'll do without Bross and McCarthy and everyone that I've met there has been so fucking amazing I'll never forget them, or anything they've taught me. Not to mention graduating High School.....So nerve wracking. Finals and final papers and getting loans for college, placement testing, WORK. Bleeding christ, I haven't been to work in like weeks. Gahhhhhh.
I freak out over even the littlest things, things not worth freaking out over. It's getting ridiculous. There's got to be something to fix this. It's running my life and it sucks dick.

Well, I suppose that's it for now, if ANYONE reads this I'm sorry for being really random but I kinda just wrote things as I thought about them. I'll try not to abandon this so much, it really helps to write down what I'm thinking. I feel like if I put it in to words it's not so bad

Paranoia
noun
A mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance.

To put it bluntly, I'm ruining my own life.
No matter what I always think people are out to get me, even my BEST friends. It's ridiculous.
I think they hate me, they're deliberately leaving me out, they don't want me around.
Frankly, it's getting ridiculous.
Today for example, I bought a pack of cigarettes at Wawa, the guy took my permit and typed something from it in the computer/register thing. It freaked me out, this being only the second time I've bought cigarettes with my permit it was the first time they did that.
Seriously Jamie?
Chill.
I'm putting myself in my own personal hell.

Another example, I always think people are judging me. Usually it's about my weight and given, that's a huge insecurity for me, but I'm sure not EVERYONE is looking at how fucking fat I am. It's fucking ridiculous. Then I start to worry about whether other people worry about things the same way I do and I start freaking out about that.
Gahhh. I'm so fucking ridiculous. I constantly worry about everything. I get so nervous I make myself physically ill an give myself disgusting cold sores, then I freak out over that. I'm fucking ridiculous. I need to stop worrying about what other people think and just get on with my life. GAHHHHHH.

Just hold your breath to make sure you wont wake up again.

I can't keep doing this to myself.
Seeing your face, or your new fucking "girlfriends'", ruins me.
I'm dying on the inside and the worst part is you made me swear off the only thing I can do to get by.
Walking through the living room I think of you, outside my house I remember sitting in your car all those nights, driving to ____'s house I think of that song you always sang and how I'd laugh like crazy, in ____'s house I think of the time we spent together and how much fun we had.
You can never tell me you'd take that back.
Then I couldn't stop smiling now I can't fucking stop crying.

Put a gun to my head and paint the walls of my brain.
Even Fight Club reminds me of you.

You forced yourself in to every part of my life and then ripped it all away like it meant nothing.
We both know it meant something, however minuscule.
I just can't keep doing this to myself.

You've ruined me.
Are you happy?

Please do me a favor and either come back fully or leave completely. I can't keep having you thrust in to my life and ripped away, it's breaking me down and I don't think I can make it through another day without breaking my promise.

Why would you care anyway?
You don't give a shit about me anymore.

I'm so tired of this.
I hate hating myself.
I hate not being able to hate you.
Please kill me.

The only thing that's going to bother me is that you'll all call yourselves my friends.

So, this weekend was ridiculous.

First, I hung out with my friends and it was awesome! Slept over my friend Katie's house, woke up and got a text from this kid I haven't spoken to in SIX MONTHS, not for lack of trying on my part.

Seriously?
"Hey you."
......Seriously?
I had to read it over about 93874587435 times before I realized I wasn't still asleep. In the interest of not being extra creepy I waiting till a normal time to text back, seeing as he texted me at almost 3AM that morning and it was only around 7AM. So I eventually did text him back, and to my utter surprise he texted me back. And the conversation continued.
You don't understand.
SIX MONTHS.
He was just about the only thing I cared about for a few weeks, then I go and ruin everything and he stops talking to me completely. He even got a new girlfriend. And now, out of the blue, just when I was about to give up, we're actually having a legitimate text conversation.

Anyhow, Saturday night I was supposed to go to a friends show that was unfortunately canceled, leaving me with NOTHING to do. It sucked.

I woke up this morning and finished the fourth season of Dexter, so good. Decided to throw my jeans in the wash, when my mom tells me that the load that's in there now is her work clothes and she needs everything hung up. (I know right.) Anyhow, I proposition her into helping me dye my jeans black again if I hang her laundry and she agrees. Anyhow, my jeans had faded from their usual black to a rather dull shade of gray with black splotches at the top, and yes they were about as attractive as the word 'splotches.'

I finally got my new inky black beautiful pants from the drier and was reading Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk when my mum decides to come in me and my sisters room and tell us:

My 'grandfather' is in the hospital. Why do I use quotes you ask? Something bad happen? You don't like calling him your grandparent? On the contrary, Matt and Nancy babysat my sister and I since we were little. When we were old enough and no longer needed babysitters they took us on trips during the summer. I've driven through almost every state on this side of the country because of them. They took us to Canada, North Dakota, Kentucky, I've dipped my feet in every great lake. I know, what an accomplishment. And I figure after all the they deserve to be called my 'grandparents' the quotes not implying a dark under toe but a more meaningful relationship than the regular grandparent title.
Anyhow, they found a spot on his lung and now instead of doing a biopsy they're just going to remove that part.

To tell you the truth I feel like whatever happens has already been decided and there's nothing I, nor anyone can do to change that.

Maybe it's just me, I've never really been good with death or feelings of remorse, nor with comforting people. I just can't do it.

I'm a freak.

Anyhow, here's hoping the rest of my week goes as well as my weekend, excluding the past two hours of course.

You think you've fooled us with your first impression.

I feel like everything in my life right now is meant to make me more stressed.

Seriously? Can I please just get a break for more than a few minutes?
Today was a really good day but I feel like whenever I'm alone...and sober..all I can think about is the things I have to do. I really wish I could just get another year or two of High School. I'm only now realizing how nice it is to only have to worry about little essays and things to write. Now I have college applications, my portfolio, scholarship forms and my Senior Grad Project on top of all the regular school work I have. I really feel like I'm about to have a panic attack just putting all these things into words. It's really scary. It's like there's this huge weight on my chest I can't take off.

I just need a day or two to breathe and get my shit together.
I don't think I can handle much more pressure.

Dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you.

Three sleepless nights, this isn't how its supposed to be. But you're so good at taking your time to get back to me. I will wait for you forever, if you would just ask me. I thought that I could change you but you've changed me.

It doesn't feel right holding someone else's hand. Together on phone lines and living at two opposite ends. It scares me to think that you could find takers other than me and better than me.

But your head is elsewhere and I’m talking enough for both of us.

When will you see it's not so easy for me?

You’re careless, and whispered, insulting, and bruising. I fall from you eyes, your eyes I trusted, and I thought that you said things were improving. These laces are untied, but my feet are still walking away.

I never thought that you could say these words. Is this really happening?
Don't say that we can't still be friends.
Is this really happening?

Erase my name from this page.

How can you take all these things,
(What is inside of me what have I done?)
and throw them away?
Is this the only way that you will notice me, as I sit here waiting for you?
Dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you.

I stay up nights
(If you are still pretending this is what's right)
until stars leave the sky.
(Why can't you look at me can you only see?)
Knowing what my dreams can take away.

I'm probably the least qualified to write about this....

But I'm going to anyway.

Every chick, or at least I hope I'm not the only one, notices when a really attractive guy is with a terribly ugly girl. If you're lucky you'll hear her talk and, no matter what she says, you'll make her out to be a total bitch. Then, you'll either say to your friends, or just think 'Why would he choose that over me.'

Trust me, coming from a girl who is spending her eighteenth consecutive Valentine's Day alone with a bag of Swedish Fish, I've felt that almost every single day of my life. Did I mention that I was eighteen years old? Yeahhhh.

I mean, you're probably thinking, why would another Valentine's Day alone faze her? Why this one? I'm not exactly sure. But I look around at the girls who have boyfriends these days and my teeth clench, 'Why can't that be me?' I wonder. I'm filled with such utter and complete envy that I look for all the things she has that I don't, which ends up making me feel worse. The fact that I've NEVER had a boyfriend is still utterly pathetic, and trust me it's not for lack of trying, pathetic nonetheless, maybe even more so.

Anyhow, Valentine's day is utter bullshit.

It's 5:19 AM and I have 13 minutes of battery.

Let's see how much damage I can do.

I find it ridiculous that people are so hostile these days. I have this formspring account, it's a website where you can ask someone a question anonymously if you'd like. A lot of my friends have them too and it seems as though people think as long as they're anonymous they have no reason to use basic manners. It's ridiculous. I understand the appeal of being able to get something off of your chest finally, without repercussion, but it comes to a point where if you really thought that you should've just said it to their face. There have been a lot of little things like this, people being jerks JUST because they can. Honestly? I'm quite tired of it. I find myself a respectful person, I feel like no matter what I should always show someone respect until they give me a reason not to. Maybe if more people were raised this way the world would be less hostile. I mean come on people! It's a silly question website! Man up and insult me and my friends to our faces if you're so angry with us.