The Light Rushes Out And Floods In.

Do you ever feel like you're going completely insane? If you answer yes, welcome to my life.
If you don't know me then let me give you some back story (even if you do it should be a fun read if nothing else.)
I've battled depression for as long as I can remember, in the early stages I didn't even recognize it as depression but looking back, it was. Throughout high school I had a hard time fitting in. My friends and I weren't nearly as close as we are now, not to mention I was the fat weird nerdy artsy freak. Freshman year I was mostly just trying to fit in or conform. Sophomore year I met the 'emo' kids, I hate to use the label but it's convenient, and started conforming to them. By Junior year I realized that I was trading one group for another so I stopped caring. For a good few months I dropped everything. I stopped giving a fuck, so to speak. I ate with my sister and her friends, didn't say much because I didn't fit in with them, went home, went to work. I had no life outside of going to school, work or home. I realized this eventually and reconnected with my 'friends.' It really wasn't the same. Throughout this time were family issues, relationship issues, body image and eating disorders, bouts of immense mood swings and self-mutilation. I can't even describe to you how terrible my first three years of high school were. I can barely remember them myself.
Anyhow, by the middle of Senior year things started to fall into place. The beginning of senior year was by far the worst period in my life. I had boy troubles and took them extremely hard, but eventually I got over him and moved on to improving myself and becoming the person I wanted to be. I lost a third of what I used to weigh, began interacting more and more with the opposite sex and trying (with many obstacles and failures) to strengthen my friendships. The summer after senior year, as well as the stress of college and a new environment and the failure of my first semi-legitimate relationship brought more struggles with depression, mood-swings and eating disorders, up to about two months ago.
If you didn't know I met the most wonderful human being I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. My boyfriend.
Even saying/writing it now sends me chills and the omnipresent thought of how the fuck I pulled that off.
He's by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am hard pressed to find any faults he may have, let alone find anything unpreventable we could potentially argue over. Both of us are so easy-going that we really don't cause any problems, not to mention we're both open and comfortable enough that if there was an issue we'd talk about it.
Here's my point- This unimaginable fantastic happiness he brings me makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to be okay with being happy. I need something to be upset over, something to throw me off balance. I'm trying my hardest to soak in the happiness while I can but I've been trained for nineteen years to be upset, constantly. Bliss is uncomfortable and I don't know what to do with myself. It's frustrating and upsetting. Who would've thought that the only thing I could find to be upset about is having no reason to be upset?
Thus, I believe I'm going batshit insane.
Even more than usual.
Anyhow, I don't fucking know why I'm writing this but I had to get it out.
Put these thoughts to rest.
I'm still struggling with the eating-disorder but to a MUCH lesser extent than ever before. It's more just the habits that have stuck rather than an actual need to lose weight or to punish myself.
I don't fucking know.
God I hope Mark doesn't read this.
I suppose it would be fine if he did, I'd just rather not show ALL of my crazy at once.
Fuck it.

Ranting Time.

Hey, guess what? In case you're not up to date on the life of Jamie, my boyfriend IS FUCKING FANTASTIC. Seriously, he's probably the best man/human being I've ever had the immense pleasure of meeting. Not to mention I am constantly amazed that he actually likes me back. :] He's sweet and adorable and perfect and funny and responsible(most days) and wonderful and nice and sexy and brilliant and lovely and fucking fantastic in every way shape and form.
On a more negative note however,
all day today food has been thrown in my face, not literally. Maybe I'm just paying more attention to it because of the topic of therapy on Friday, but all day it seems like the topic of discussion has been weight and food and everyone throwing it in my face that they can be happy and healthy while I'm constantly scrutinizing every little thing I consume. The sad thing? I can't stop. I really wish I hadn't told anyone about these issues, that they could go on happily ignorant of my inability to focus on anything but the things I eat or don't and whether I even eat at all. What's a day or two here and there of no food? It's not such a big deal, and it's not nearly so bad as sophomore or senior year. That's exactly what I tell myself. I couldn't eat for three days; lost five pounds. Do you know how fucking fantastic that felt?
It's the only thing I can cling to though, not to mention it's the only thing that has improved my life and continues to do so, Mark being the only exception. I'm constantly trying to see what he sees in me. I hate my body, it's disgusting and not nearly good enough, especially next to his, but he continues to tell me that he loves everything about it, even my stomach, the part I HATE most.
I just want to be normal and healthy and to feel beautiful and attractive. But more than that I want to be thin. You can't have everything though and I feel as though I'm quickly approaching a day where I'll have to choose.
And I honestly can't right now.
It's very rare that someone tells me something about myself that I haven't already acknowledged, but on Friday at therapy we talked about my struggle with eating disorders through sophomore and senior year, the latter certainly being more successful, but he said that it seems whenever I get depressed or things get chaotic I turn to 'what can I do to my body to distract myself from this?' Cutting being a reaction to depression and eating disorders being a reaction to chaos or stress in my life. I knew the cutting was directly linked to depression but I never realized the eating disorders were linked to the organization of my life. But god damn he was right. Mind=Blown.
I'll get better, or appear to.
I'll be better, or try my hardest.
If it kills me.
P.S.- Do you realize I've lost a THIRD of my body weight since the beginning of senior year? Yeah. That's what I said.

Now I'm gonna take some adderall and own this drawing project.

I figured I'll keep this just for life updates rather than the more serious one.

A. I just mind fucked the shit out of some homework. Hopefully the teacher won't shoot down my contradictory(for the fun of being contradictory) ideas.

B. Therapy went super well. My therapist is extremely nice and he said he thinks he can help me, God knows it's awful fun to see them try.

C. I'm so...SO glad that you came to see me today. I really hate it when people bail on plans and so far you're doing super well on the follow through. We've pretty much planned that we'll see each other most Thursdays from now on, which will be truly amazing. You're the best thing I've ever had going for me, whether you believe it or not. Oddly enough, as much as I FUCKING LOVE our physical relationship, it's really comfortable just seeing a movie and talking for hours, without me thinking that I HAVE to put out or you won't come back.
You even brought up Valentine's Day. You're fucking perfect. I didn't even think of that, let alone let myself get too carried away with thinking about the future.
You also mentioned hoping to be promoted to boyfriend status? You should know by now that you'll have to ask me or else I will COMPLETELY blame myself if this falls apart; my thought pattern, however irrational, will go something like this 'Well, I guess I forced him into it.' - 'I will never ever try, to make any kind of move, ever again.' And I really don't want it to go like that. SO FUCKING ASK ME. We both know I'll say yes in a split second. Just ask, please. It doesn't have to be now, or even generally soon, but please just ask. You're probably the best and worse thing to ever happen to me; but honestly? I rarely think about the negative side effects now, which is completely and utterly new and completely and utterly scary.
You're wonderful.
You may be the death of me, but with how I've been doing recently that may very well be a good thing.
Please ask me, dear.
Fucking woo me.
You do it so well.

D. (Moved from serious(ish) blog to here.
C. I don't know if I told you all, but my mum and my sister both know that I cut.
God, I fucking fail.
Mum brought it up Saturday night, we were sitting in the living room and she asked if I felt okay and everything, because Tuesday I had the worst lowest of low emotional dives I've ever experienced; read the blog below. After that I pretty much questioned all of reality. Anyway, she was trying to describe to me how scared she gets for me so she put it this way, "Hey Jamie, sometimes I get really depressed and I just feel completely suicidal. Like, I want to kill myself and just leave everything behind."
.....
For a minute I didn't realize she was being hypothetical, she said it as if it was something she had wanted to admit to another living person for her entire life, but couldn't until that very moment, but couldn't until the listener had no comeback and was able to believe she was speaking speculatively.
Do you know how scary it is to hear that from your mother, whether it's suppositional or not?
Scary as all hell.
I almost didn't want to leave her, but I knew I had to, how else would I keep my mind off of everything?


Goodnight loves. <3

My life is truly once again a shit show...

...And, no hard feelings, but none of you answered your phones when I really needed you tonight.
Understandable though, it was quite early in the morning so I really don't mind. I ended up talking to my Mum which was amazing. She made me feel a lot better and she's more experienced than any of you would imagine.
Basically this is going to be on the events in my life as of late.

A. Sir from Saturday night: Thank you for not jumping my bones even though we slept in the same bed and we were both trashed. It means more to me than you could ever imagine actually. For once I see that I don't HAVE to sleep with a guy the first night I meet them, even though I may want sex or think that we may work out, sometimes it's just better to wait. For once I see that there's guys who don't JUST want me for a one night stand. I'm not saying that I have feelings for you or that I want anything more than the casual beginnings of a friendship we have now, I just want to let you know that you gave me back a small part of the self respect I haven't had in a long time. And that you're a very good man and whoever gets you should understand and be grateful for what they have.

B. 217: My best friend here is fucking fantastic. I have the biggest girl crush on her. She's unlike anyone I've ever met and it's kind of refreshing. She brings a new perspective to my issues and is unbiased because she didn't watch all of it unfold. She's fantastic and I'm sure you would all love her. Of course, you guys are still my bests. <3 I'm really thankful for her and her nocturnal tendencies, though. We life talk more than we actually hang out and it's fucking fantastic. You give really good advice and we're a lot alike, which is really weird. I also just love your whole personality. Jussayin.

C. Luke is a fucking bastard:
I don't know if you've all heard but he decided to bitch at Con for having Claire and I over on Thursday night, which was also his(Luke's) birthday. I called Luke out about it and he lied to my face/phone, whatever. Anyhow, it ended with him telling me to leave him alone and that he didn't care about me or my sister, where we were, or what we did, basically it ended on a VERY bad note.
So, he texted me this morning about how Math Patterns sucks. I agreed and left it at that. (I choose my battle's carefully with this kid, if I didn't I'd be fighting with him more than I am now, which would be difficult.) Later I was chilling at the residence and he asked what I was up to and we decided we would hang out when I left, mistake number one (I know.)
We went to his dorm and watched some TV, of course there was subtle flirting but nothing intense, especially on my part. Eventually he decides to make his move and try to kiss me, I pulled away and explained that I didn't want to feel like a booty call. He apologized for disrespecting me and said that it wasn't a booty call. BULL FUCKING SHIT, what dude asks a chick to come over at 12:30 at night to just chill, I should have known better.
So get this, five minutes later he tells me I should leave, that he has class in the morning. -.-
Wow, this isn't a booty call but as soon as a deny you, you show me the door. That was even more disrespectful than the (failed)instigation of the act itself. You have a way of making me feel so guilty, you just kept apologizing and looking really upset. I'm FUCKING SICK AND TIRED of your constant mixed signals. No matter what I do or don't do I end up crying, which is why I called every one of my friends, my mom being the only one that answered. You didn't even fucking apologize for the way you treated me last week, not to mention we both know you're talking to that other girl, whether you know I'm aware or not. We really need to talk. Soon. This is fucking my shit up. Thanks for the beer bytheway. Bastard.

D. I slept through math today. This sleep deprivation is getting pretty fucking bad. I managed to go to my 8AM though. :D

E. Apparently my loans didn't go through due to a flaw in the system. It's being fixed, but for now my account is on hold meaning I have no diamond dollars or meal plan till the end of the week. Greeeeaaaaattttttt.

Three shots of rum, a beer and an Adderall does Jamie real good.

-Sigh-

I almost wish that I could go back to random hookup Jamie who didn't give a fuck and just took what she wanted, no strings or feelings attached, at least that would bring a LITTLE happiness to my life. Now everything's shit, I'm sexually and emotionally frustrated and I can't even eat my feelings.
Life sucks. Welcome to college.

Wow.

So yesterday was blatantly awful. Everything hit me like getting blindsided by a bus. I really thought today would be better but sometimes it's the days that you think are fine that shit really sneaks up on you.
I thought I was over you, apparently I'm not.
I thought you'd give us time, eventually another chance, apparently I was wrong.
I thought you talking to other chicks wouldn't bother me this much, apparently it bother's me a whole fucking lot.
Thank you for saying and doing all the right things and thank you for dicking me over like I expected, we both know I saw it coming.
I said I've been hurt worse and that's true in some aspect but I never thought that you would hurt me and that's what makes this so unbearable.
You should be an actor because you fooled me entirely too well.
I fucking hate that my blog has turned in to a self-pity party because of you.
It's fucking pathetic.
You wont talk to me even though that's what I need more than anything.
We both thought I was done with you.
Apparently we were wrong.

Riddle me this Batman, why the fuck am I never good enough for anyone?

I promise you my next blog will be insightful and well written, tonight I'm just too fucking tired.

Oh, wow.

I haven't written on here for so long.
I thought it seemed like I was carrying a lot.
This isn't really an ENTIRE life update, it's just what's been bothering me today.

WHATTHEFUCKDUDE?!
First, you dump me. And I managed to act like it really didn't phase me until I was alone, I'm not even sure how I managed that. You meant a whole fucking lot to me, whether either of us realized it or not. I only realized how much after it was too late, what's a few more scars though, right? Next, you kiss me and say you miss me when you're drunk. Then act like NOTHING ever happened when you're sober. You don't play games, right? After that I hear that you don't like seeing me at Conor's all the time, that he should warn you before he invites me to parties. And, as we all saw, you only care about me when you think I'm fucking other guys.
I went against ALL of my better judgment and decided to have sex with you. And now that I'm moving into a dorm you're trying to get on my good side because you think that you can get it in whenever you want. You, sir, are sadly mistaken. I really don't want to get back with you anytime soon.
We. Are. Just. Friends.
That's what you wanted, right?
Other people deserve a first chance before you get a second.
I'm finally seeing why we didn't work out.
I need someone who likes me just as much as I like them and doesn't lose interest as soon as things get a little difficult. I didn't expect you to leave me, then again I didn't expect much of you from the start, and I've certainly learned to expect very little from you now.

Just so we're clear, I officially have the upper hand in this relationship, for once.
You are my booty call, NOT the other way around.
Mark me, boy.

Chances Are You Never Even Cared At All.

I so fucking wish I could hate you.
You have no fucking idea, and for once I can say that and know that I'm completely right.
You make me think the craziest fucking thoughts, I feel like I'm losing myself because of you. I miss the girl that could do whatever the fuck she wanted. I miss the girl who didn't feel a goddamn thing. The girl who could flirt shamelessly at parties and not care who the fuck was watching. Now I'm constantly thinking What the fuck did I do wrong? Maybe if I looked like that chick he'd want me back. Maybe if I just stop eating for a few fucking months I could be like her, the one he has his arm around, the one he's charming. Maybe if I throw myself at oncoming traffic I'll get hit by a car and he'll realize how much I mean to him when I'm almost taken away permanently. What the fuck dude? When did I become so spineless? When the fuck did you get this much power over me? Oh yeah, it was all those fucking days of talking non-stop, all those fucking text messages that said I could trust you not to break me. Bull fucking shit.
I'm shattered.
Thanks.
You say we don't know each other but you're just like all the other fucking douche bags I've met.
I find it incredibly ironic that everyone's telling me I can do better but I wasn't even good enough for you. I wasn't good enough for Jon, or Greg, or Mark, or Sal, god knows I wasn't near good enough for Sal. I wasn't good enough for anyone in high school. It seems I'm only good enough for one night. Only good enough when you're wasted.
I fucking hate that you can make me feel like this.
I hope you're alone right now, even though I doubt you are.
I hope one day you realize how fucking lucky you were.
And I hope on that day I'm long gone.

But for now I'm stuck here waiting.
Stuck here fucking willing you to come back to me, with every cell in my body.
I really hope I find someone else. I really hope he's fucking amazing.
I really hope you're incredibly jealous of him.