A. I just mind fucked the shit out of some homework. Hopefully the teacher won't shoot down my contradictory(for the fun of being contradictory) ideas.
B. Therapy went super well. My therapist is extremely nice and he said he thinks he can help me, God knows it's awful fun to see them try.
C. I'm so...SO glad that you came to see me today. I really hate it when people bail on plans and so far you're doing super well on the follow through. We've pretty much planned that we'll see each other most Thursdays from now on, which will be truly amazing. You're the best thing I've ever had going for me, whether you believe it or not. Oddly enough, as much as I FUCKING LOVE our physical relationship, it's really comfortable just seeing a movie and talking for hours, without me thinking that I HAVE to put out or you won't come back.
You even brought up Valentine's Day. You're fucking perfect. I didn't even think of that, let alone let myself get too carried away with thinking about the future.
You also mentioned hoping to be promoted to boyfriend status? You should know by now that you'll have to ask me or else I will COMPLETELY blame myself if this falls apart; my thought pattern, however irrational, will go something like this 'Well, I guess I forced him into it.' - 'I will never ever try, to make any kind of move, ever again.' And I really don't want it to go like that. SO FUCKING ASK ME. We both know I'll say yes in a split second. Just ask, please. It doesn't have to be now, or even generally soon, but please just ask. You're probably the best and worse thing to ever happen to me; but honestly? I rarely think about the negative side effects now, which is completely and utterly new and completely and utterly scary.
You're wonderful.
You may be the death of me, but with how I've been doing recently that may very well be a good thing.
Please ask me, dear.
Fucking woo me.
You do it so well.
D. (Moved from serious(ish) blog to here.
C. I don't know if I told you all, but my mum and my sister both know that I cut.
God, I fucking fail.
Mum brought it up Saturday night, we were sitting in the living room and she asked if I felt okay and everything, because Tuesday I had the worst lowest of low emotional dives I've ever experienced; read the blog below. After that I pretty much questioned all of reality. Anyway, she was trying to describe to me how scared she gets for me so she put it this way, "Hey Jamie, sometimes I get really depressed and I just feel completely suicidal. Like, I want to kill myself and just leave everything behind."
.....
For a minute I didn't realize she was being hypothetical, she said it as if it was something she had wanted to admit to another living person for her entire life, but couldn't until that very moment, but couldn't until the listener had no comeback and was able to believe she was speaking speculatively.
Do you know how scary it is to hear that from your mother, whether it's suppositional or not?
Scary as all hell.
I almost didn't want to leave her, but I knew I had to, how else would I keep my mind off of everything?
Goodnight loves. <3
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