Chances Are You Never Even Cared At All.

I so fucking wish I could hate you.
You have no fucking idea, and for once I can say that and know that I'm completely right.
You make me think the craziest fucking thoughts, I feel like I'm losing myself because of you. I miss the girl that could do whatever the fuck she wanted. I miss the girl who didn't feel a goddamn thing. The girl who could flirt shamelessly at parties and not care who the fuck was watching. Now I'm constantly thinking What the fuck did I do wrong? Maybe if I looked like that chick he'd want me back. Maybe if I just stop eating for a few fucking months I could be like her, the one he has his arm around, the one he's charming. Maybe if I throw myself at oncoming traffic I'll get hit by a car and he'll realize how much I mean to him when I'm almost taken away permanently. What the fuck dude? When did I become so spineless? When the fuck did you get this much power over me? Oh yeah, it was all those fucking days of talking non-stop, all those fucking text messages that said I could trust you not to break me. Bull fucking shit.
I'm shattered.
Thanks.
You say we don't know each other but you're just like all the other fucking douche bags I've met.
I find it incredibly ironic that everyone's telling me I can do better but I wasn't even good enough for you. I wasn't good enough for Jon, or Greg, or Mark, or Sal, god knows I wasn't near good enough for Sal. I wasn't good enough for anyone in high school. It seems I'm only good enough for one night. Only good enough when you're wasted.
I fucking hate that you can make me feel like this.
I hope you're alone right now, even though I doubt you are.
I hope one day you realize how fucking lucky you were.
And I hope on that day I'm long gone.

But for now I'm stuck here waiting.
Stuck here fucking willing you to come back to me, with every cell in my body.
I really hope I find someone else. I really hope he's fucking amazing.
I really hope you're incredibly jealous of him.

So basically,

I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the next few months. I already can't stop crying. This sucks. Kill me?
I'm weaker than I let on.

It'd Break My Heart If We Fell Apart, It'd Be So Hard To Let You Go.

"You make it seem so easy to love me for who I really am."

I can't imagine being any more happy than I am now, honestly.
It's so comforting to know that I can actually be happy for once, and to finally realize that I deserve to be happy.
It's crazy how a glance from you can make me smile and EVERYONE knows it.
I have so much that I want to say but I can't put in to words right now because I'm kinda tipsy and extremely tired but I felt like that bit just needed to be said. The majority of my future blogs are going to be about you, I can tell.
This will not end well for me, but right now I honestly don't give a fuck how it ends.

Hello There Blog.

So.
1. I'm worried I'm becoming an alcoholic. It might be the meds I'm on but I drank seven cups of beer and feel absolutely sober, tired, but sober. It's kinda freaking me out.

2. I have a boyfriend for the first time in my life.
I'm freaking the fuck out.
All I've ever been taught through past experiences with guys is that I'm not good enough, that they can find something better. And when he does it will break me. I promise. I hope to God it doesn't but knowing me I will be completely and utterly heartbroken for months. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I know I'll act like I'm okay but I really wont be. Not for a long time anyway. I never let myself fall this hard for anyone, and that fact that I have is truly scaring the wits out of me.
I trust you too much for my own good.
But I think I'm okay with that.

3. (Edit.)
"I do miss you."
Are you fucking kidding me? You had your fucking chance. You waited entirely too long. You strung me along for weeks thinking we'd amount to something then dropped off the face of the planet and I'm supposed to just wait for you?
I. Don't. Chase. Boys.
You can suck my dick. I'm sorry and I said we could still be friends but seriously? I can't deal with all your fucking bullshit for nothing in return. You convinced me that we were better off just leaving things the way they were, not getting too serious too quickly, AND I FUCKING BELIEVED YOU. I told myself that you would be different with me, I told myself that you were different.
I find it hard to believe that I ever trusted you.
I find it hard to believe that I was ever that naive.
I find it hard to believe that I've let myself go on for so long thinking, no, knowing that anyone I get interested in will eventually find someone better.
I'm worth way more than that.
I'm finally starting to find out that I actually deserve a nice, stable man in my life.
I'm a fucking catch and you realized it too late.
Sucks for you.
Start a fucking support group.
There are at least a handful of guys that would join.
All of them realized it too late.
Envy Luke with all of your being because he is actually worth my time and for once I trust someone enough to not care about the tragic inevitable end to it all. For once I actually feel like I'm worth something more than just a hook up, a one night stand.
Worth more than just sex.

Thank you all for teaching me that I actually deserve a truly good man.

4. I really can't wait for this weekend. I love being in a new place, where I know no one. I like pretending I'm someone else. Someone interesting. Someone important.

5. I suppose that's it for now. Mini-update in the life of Jamie. We need Melinda to get one of these, I think she'd like it and have things to say. :] I want her to find her voice, her view of the world and I want to have a glimpse in to that beautiful little head of hers.