The only thing that's going to bother me is that you'll all call yourselves my friends.

So, this weekend was ridiculous.

First, I hung out with my friends and it was awesome! Slept over my friend Katie's house, woke up and got a text from this kid I haven't spoken to in SIX MONTHS, not for lack of trying on my part.

Seriously?
"Hey you."
......Seriously?
I had to read it over about 93874587435 times before I realized I wasn't still asleep. In the interest of not being extra creepy I waiting till a normal time to text back, seeing as he texted me at almost 3AM that morning and it was only around 7AM. So I eventually did text him back, and to my utter surprise he texted me back. And the conversation continued.
You don't understand.
SIX MONTHS.
He was just about the only thing I cared about for a few weeks, then I go and ruin everything and he stops talking to me completely. He even got a new girlfriend. And now, out of the blue, just when I was about to give up, we're actually having a legitimate text conversation.

Anyhow, Saturday night I was supposed to go to a friends show that was unfortunately canceled, leaving me with NOTHING to do. It sucked.

I woke up this morning and finished the fourth season of Dexter, so good. Decided to throw my jeans in the wash, when my mom tells me that the load that's in there now is her work clothes and she needs everything hung up. (I know right.) Anyhow, I proposition her into helping me dye my jeans black again if I hang her laundry and she agrees. Anyhow, my jeans had faded from their usual black to a rather dull shade of gray with black splotches at the top, and yes they were about as attractive as the word 'splotches.'

I finally got my new inky black beautiful pants from the drier and was reading Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk when my mum decides to come in me and my sisters room and tell us:

My 'grandfather' is in the hospital. Why do I use quotes you ask? Something bad happen? You don't like calling him your grandparent? On the contrary, Matt and Nancy babysat my sister and I since we were little. When we were old enough and no longer needed babysitters they took us on trips during the summer. I've driven through almost every state on this side of the country because of them. They took us to Canada, North Dakota, Kentucky, I've dipped my feet in every great lake. I know, what an accomplishment. And I figure after all the they deserve to be called my 'grandparents' the quotes not implying a dark under toe but a more meaningful relationship than the regular grandparent title.
Anyhow, they found a spot on his lung and now instead of doing a biopsy they're just going to remove that part.

To tell you the truth I feel like whatever happens has already been decided and there's nothing I, nor anyone can do to change that.

Maybe it's just me, I've never really been good with death or feelings of remorse, nor with comforting people. I just can't do it.

I'm a freak.

Anyhow, here's hoping the rest of my week goes as well as my weekend, excluding the past two hours of course.

You think you've fooled us with your first impression.

I feel like everything in my life right now is meant to make me more stressed.

Seriously? Can I please just get a break for more than a few minutes?
Today was a really good day but I feel like whenever I'm alone...and sober..all I can think about is the things I have to do. I really wish I could just get another year or two of High School. I'm only now realizing how nice it is to only have to worry about little essays and things to write. Now I have college applications, my portfolio, scholarship forms and my Senior Grad Project on top of all the regular school work I have. I really feel like I'm about to have a panic attack just putting all these things into words. It's really scary. It's like there's this huge weight on my chest I can't take off.

I just need a day or two to breathe and get my shit together.
I don't think I can handle much more pressure.

Dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you.

Three sleepless nights, this isn't how its supposed to be. But you're so good at taking your time to get back to me. I will wait for you forever, if you would just ask me. I thought that I could change you but you've changed me.

It doesn't feel right holding someone else's hand. Together on phone lines and living at two opposite ends. It scares me to think that you could find takers other than me and better than me.

But your head is elsewhere and I’m talking enough for both of us.

When will you see it's not so easy for me?

You’re careless, and whispered, insulting, and bruising. I fall from you eyes, your eyes I trusted, and I thought that you said things were improving. These laces are untied, but my feet are still walking away.

I never thought that you could say these words. Is this really happening?
Don't say that we can't still be friends.
Is this really happening?

Erase my name from this page.

How can you take all these things,
(What is inside of me what have I done?)
and throw them away?
Is this the only way that you will notice me, as I sit here waiting for you?
Dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you.

I stay up nights
(If you are still pretending this is what's right)
until stars leave the sky.
(Why can't you look at me can you only see?)
Knowing what my dreams can take away.

I'm probably the least qualified to write about this....

But I'm going to anyway.

Every chick, or at least I hope I'm not the only one, notices when a really attractive guy is with a terribly ugly girl. If you're lucky you'll hear her talk and, no matter what she says, you'll make her out to be a total bitch. Then, you'll either say to your friends, or just think 'Why would he choose that over me.'

Trust me, coming from a girl who is spending her eighteenth consecutive Valentine's Day alone with a bag of Swedish Fish, I've felt that almost every single day of my life. Did I mention that I was eighteen years old? Yeahhhh.

I mean, you're probably thinking, why would another Valentine's Day alone faze her? Why this one? I'm not exactly sure. But I look around at the girls who have boyfriends these days and my teeth clench, 'Why can't that be me?' I wonder. I'm filled with such utter and complete envy that I look for all the things she has that I don't, which ends up making me feel worse. The fact that I've NEVER had a boyfriend is still utterly pathetic, and trust me it's not for lack of trying, pathetic nonetheless, maybe even more so.

Anyhow, Valentine's day is utter bullshit.

It's 5:19 AM and I have 13 minutes of battery.

Let's see how much damage I can do.

I find it ridiculous that people are so hostile these days. I have this formspring account, it's a website where you can ask someone a question anonymously if you'd like. A lot of my friends have them too and it seems as though people think as long as they're anonymous they have no reason to use basic manners. It's ridiculous. I understand the appeal of being able to get something off of your chest finally, without repercussion, but it comes to a point where if you really thought that you should've just said it to their face. There have been a lot of little things like this, people being jerks JUST because they can. Honestly? I'm quite tired of it. I find myself a respectful person, I feel like no matter what I should always show someone respect until they give me a reason not to. Maybe if more people were raised this way the world would be less hostile. I mean come on people! It's a silly question website! Man up and insult me and my friends to our faces if you're so angry with us.