The Light Rushes Out And Floods In.

Do you ever feel like you're going completely insane? If you answer yes, welcome to my life.
If you don't know me then let me give you some back story (even if you do it should be a fun read if nothing else.)
I've battled depression for as long as I can remember, in the early stages I didn't even recognize it as depression but looking back, it was. Throughout high school I had a hard time fitting in. My friends and I weren't nearly as close as we are now, not to mention I was the fat weird nerdy artsy freak. Freshman year I was mostly just trying to fit in or conform. Sophomore year I met the 'emo' kids, I hate to use the label but it's convenient, and started conforming to them. By Junior year I realized that I was trading one group for another so I stopped caring. For a good few months I dropped everything. I stopped giving a fuck, so to speak. I ate with my sister and her friends, didn't say much because I didn't fit in with them, went home, went to work. I had no life outside of going to school, work or home. I realized this eventually and reconnected with my 'friends.' It really wasn't the same. Throughout this time were family issues, relationship issues, body image and eating disorders, bouts of immense mood swings and self-mutilation. I can't even describe to you how terrible my first three years of high school were. I can barely remember them myself.
Anyhow, by the middle of Senior year things started to fall into place. The beginning of senior year was by far the worst period in my life. I had boy troubles and took them extremely hard, but eventually I got over him and moved on to improving myself and becoming the person I wanted to be. I lost a third of what I used to weigh, began interacting more and more with the opposite sex and trying (with many obstacles and failures) to strengthen my friendships. The summer after senior year, as well as the stress of college and a new environment and the failure of my first semi-legitimate relationship brought more struggles with depression, mood-swings and eating disorders, up to about two months ago.
If you didn't know I met the most wonderful human being I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. My boyfriend.
Even saying/writing it now sends me chills and the omnipresent thought of how the fuck I pulled that off.
He's by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am hard pressed to find any faults he may have, let alone find anything unpreventable we could potentially argue over. Both of us are so easy-going that we really don't cause any problems, not to mention we're both open and comfortable enough that if there was an issue we'd talk about it.
Here's my point- This unimaginable fantastic happiness he brings me makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to be okay with being happy. I need something to be upset over, something to throw me off balance. I'm trying my hardest to soak in the happiness while I can but I've been trained for nineteen years to be upset, constantly. Bliss is uncomfortable and I don't know what to do with myself. It's frustrating and upsetting. Who would've thought that the only thing I could find to be upset about is having no reason to be upset?
Thus, I believe I'm going batshit insane.
Even more than usual.
Anyhow, I don't fucking know why I'm writing this but I had to get it out.
Put these thoughts to rest.
I'm still struggling with the eating-disorder but to a MUCH lesser extent than ever before. It's more just the habits that have stuck rather than an actual need to lose weight or to punish myself.
I don't fucking know.
God I hope Mark doesn't read this.
I suppose it would be fine if he did, I'd just rather not show ALL of my crazy at once.
Fuck it.

Ranting Time.

Hey, guess what? In case you're not up to date on the life of Jamie, my boyfriend IS FUCKING FANTASTIC. Seriously, he's probably the best man/human being I've ever had the immense pleasure of meeting. Not to mention I am constantly amazed that he actually likes me back. :] He's sweet and adorable and perfect and funny and responsible(most days) and wonderful and nice and sexy and brilliant and lovely and fucking fantastic in every way shape and form.
On a more negative note however,
all day today food has been thrown in my face, not literally. Maybe I'm just paying more attention to it because of the topic of therapy on Friday, but all day it seems like the topic of discussion has been weight and food and everyone throwing it in my face that they can be happy and healthy while I'm constantly scrutinizing every little thing I consume. The sad thing? I can't stop. I really wish I hadn't told anyone about these issues, that they could go on happily ignorant of my inability to focus on anything but the things I eat or don't and whether I even eat at all. What's a day or two here and there of no food? It's not such a big deal, and it's not nearly so bad as sophomore or senior year. That's exactly what I tell myself. I couldn't eat for three days; lost five pounds. Do you know how fucking fantastic that felt?
It's the only thing I can cling to though, not to mention it's the only thing that has improved my life and continues to do so, Mark being the only exception. I'm constantly trying to see what he sees in me. I hate my body, it's disgusting and not nearly good enough, especially next to his, but he continues to tell me that he loves everything about it, even my stomach, the part I HATE most.
I just want to be normal and healthy and to feel beautiful and attractive. But more than that I want to be thin. You can't have everything though and I feel as though I'm quickly approaching a day where I'll have to choose.
And I honestly can't right now.
It's very rare that someone tells me something about myself that I haven't already acknowledged, but on Friday at therapy we talked about my struggle with eating disorders through sophomore and senior year, the latter certainly being more successful, but he said that it seems whenever I get depressed or things get chaotic I turn to 'what can I do to my body to distract myself from this?' Cutting being a reaction to depression and eating disorders being a reaction to chaos or stress in my life. I knew the cutting was directly linked to depression but I never realized the eating disorders were linked to the organization of my life. But god damn he was right. Mind=Blown.
I'll get better, or appear to.
I'll be better, or try my hardest.
If it kills me.
P.S.- Do you realize I've lost a THIRD of my body weight since the beginning of senior year? Yeah. That's what I said.

Now I'm gonna take some adderall and own this drawing project.

I figured I'll keep this just for life updates rather than the more serious one.

A. I just mind fucked the shit out of some homework. Hopefully the teacher won't shoot down my contradictory(for the fun of being contradictory) ideas.

B. Therapy went super well. My therapist is extremely nice and he said he thinks he can help me, God knows it's awful fun to see them try.

C. I'm so...SO glad that you came to see me today. I really hate it when people bail on plans and so far you're doing super well on the follow through. We've pretty much planned that we'll see each other most Thursdays from now on, which will be truly amazing. You're the best thing I've ever had going for me, whether you believe it or not. Oddly enough, as much as I FUCKING LOVE our physical relationship, it's really comfortable just seeing a movie and talking for hours, without me thinking that I HAVE to put out or you won't come back.
You even brought up Valentine's Day. You're fucking perfect. I didn't even think of that, let alone let myself get too carried away with thinking about the future.
You also mentioned hoping to be promoted to boyfriend status? You should know by now that you'll have to ask me or else I will COMPLETELY blame myself if this falls apart; my thought pattern, however irrational, will go something like this 'Well, I guess I forced him into it.' - 'I will never ever try, to make any kind of move, ever again.' And I really don't want it to go like that. SO FUCKING ASK ME. We both know I'll say yes in a split second. Just ask, please. It doesn't have to be now, or even generally soon, but please just ask. You're probably the best and worse thing to ever happen to me; but honestly? I rarely think about the negative side effects now, which is completely and utterly new and completely and utterly scary.
You're wonderful.
You may be the death of me, but with how I've been doing recently that may very well be a good thing.
Please ask me, dear.
Fucking woo me.
You do it so well.

D. (Moved from serious(ish) blog to here.
C. I don't know if I told you all, but my mum and my sister both know that I cut.
God, I fucking fail.
Mum brought it up Saturday night, we were sitting in the living room and she asked if I felt okay and everything, because Tuesday I had the worst lowest of low emotional dives I've ever experienced; read the blog below. After that I pretty much questioned all of reality. Anyway, she was trying to describe to me how scared she gets for me so she put it this way, "Hey Jamie, sometimes I get really depressed and I just feel completely suicidal. Like, I want to kill myself and just leave everything behind."
.....
For a minute I didn't realize she was being hypothetical, she said it as if it was something she had wanted to admit to another living person for her entire life, but couldn't until that very moment, but couldn't until the listener had no comeback and was able to believe she was speaking speculatively.
Do you know how scary it is to hear that from your mother, whether it's suppositional or not?
Scary as all hell.
I almost didn't want to leave her, but I knew I had to, how else would I keep my mind off of everything?


Goodnight loves. <3