It's cold and rainy, I'm tired and I feel like writing.

Disclaimer: I'm also shivering uncontrollably and smoking, in case the grammar and spelling isn't as great as usual. Hahaha.

This is pretty much just going to be me purging all things that I'm thinking/worrying about. Bear with me.

1. I fucking love my friends. No matter what they always make everything better. Even if I'm having the worst day ever or being put through shit I'd never thought I'd get through there always there, no matter what time or whatever they'll ding I know they"ll be there for me and it means more to me than I'd ever tell them. (I'm going inside now, I'm freezing and finished smoking. :D)
And whether they realize it or not they're really the best thing that's ever happened to me and I love them and will forever.

2. "There's a rumor and I know you know it's true, that you've got my heart locked in your room."
You introduced me to this [amazing]band and the lyrics couldn't explain what I'm feeling better if I'd written them myself.
I'm really trying not to get too clingy or involved emotionally in this because I know I'll end up pushing you away or you'll break my heart, but it's really hard for me not to try.
You're kind of really awesome and I love hanging out with you and I love the group you hang out with and it's really hard for me to deny my feelings but I think I'm getting better at it.
The last guy that I liked ruined me and anyone could tell you I was incredibly too into him for anything good to come of it, and trust me plenty of bad came from my attachment. I'm really just trying not to let the same thing happen again.
You seem like an awfully sweet guy and I'm sure you'd never hurt me on purpose but I'm more fragile than I let on and it doesn't take much to hurt me so please be careful, for my sake.
(It's taking all my will power not to text you right now actually.)
I can't help but feel like a little girl around you, immature and silly. I feel incredibly insecure too which is nothing new but like 897587532 times worse when I'm around you. It's really unsettling and usually I feel fairly comfortable, or I'm good at faking it, but not around you. I find myself saying the stupidest shit then slapping myself for it later. It sucks.
I like you.

3. Even though I'm basically done with High School I know I'm going to miss it. Sure waking up sucks, and this next month is going to be terrible, I just love the structure it gives to my life. Having somewhere to be and a set schedule really keeps me sane. I'm incredibly nervous for college and even before that graduation. So nervous just talking about it is starting to make my stomach upset.
I really don't like change that I don't have a say in, it makes me feel sick and I honestly can't handle it.
I'm sure college will be amazing but I can't tell whether I'm looking forward to it or not.

4. I'm honestly scared that once we're all in college I'll rarely see my friends. I'm extremely bad at making friends and NONE of my friends are going to the same college as me next year, just thinking of not seeing my friends almost every day is really upsetting.

5. The more I listen to music and look at my tumblr feed and watch cute movies the more I wish I'll find someone to treat me right and actually like me as more than a hook up buddy. I mean seriously, the inebriated/incredibly high/pity hook up thing is getting old. I wish guys would be more straight forward and tell me what I'm in for before I invest every cell in my body into a relationship just to be destroyed when they find that girl who they like enough to date. Why can't I ever be that girl?

6. I feel like I constantly sell myself short, and because of that I lose out on a lot of opportunities.
It's extremely upsetting to realize I sabotaged myself before I even gave anything a chance. My shyness/nervousness/obsessions constantly get in the way and I can't stop it no matter how hard I try.

7. I really hate my family, except my sister. Just leave it at that.
I wish they didn't care.

I don't know why but finishing my Senior Graduation Project only added to the stress that I feel. Graduating tech might kill me, I love it there and it's really become my home. I'll have to constantly visit next year. I don't know what I'll do without Bross and McCarthy and everyone that I've met there has been so fucking amazing I'll never forget them, or anything they've taught me. Not to mention graduating High School.....So nerve wracking. Finals and final papers and getting loans for college, placement testing, WORK. Bleeding christ, I haven't been to work in like weeks. Gahhhhhh.
I freak out over even the littlest things, things not worth freaking out over. It's getting ridiculous. There's got to be something to fix this. It's running my life and it sucks dick.

Well, I suppose that's it for now, if ANYONE reads this I'm sorry for being really random but I kinda just wrote things as I thought about them. I'll try not to abandon this so much, it really helps to write down what I'm thinking. I feel like if I put it in to words it's not so bad